In the land of the red, white, and blue
Reading limericks is something we do
But in Soviet Russia
And what used to be Prussia
The violent limericks read you
A man had a deadly surprise
The ice crumbled beneath his great size
Earlier in the day
He had read a sign say
That to walk out on thin ice ain't wise
If you like peace and always do find
That violence is bad and unkind
This will do the trick
Just read a limerick
You will have an improved state of mind
The tank commander was quite brave
His mission was himself to save
But the shifter was stiff
So he rolled off a cliff
And plunged to a quite early grave
There once was an actor named Paul
But on him a stagelight did fall
With the drama a wreck
Because of low tech
It's time for the last curtain call
"Gott ist tot!" Nietzsche once said
What put that strange thought in his head?
On August twenty-fifth
God shattered that myth
When He took his soul; now look who's dead!
There once was a 'skeeter named Clive
He found his way in a bee's hive
He stood out plain as day
And it is safe to say
That he is no longer alive
There once was an astro named Robbie
He went on spacewalks as his hobby
He ran out of O2
And began to turn blue
And now he's a spacewalking zombie
There once was a doctor named Jack
He was often considered a quack
"Not true!" he exclaimed,
"Though my skills may have waned
My death rates are leading the pack!"
There once was a fellow named Hoover
Ate lunch in the city Vancouver
He started to choke
But near were no folk
Who had heard of the Heimlich maneuver
There once was a cyclist named Buck
He completely ran out of luck
And pedal he tried
But his lace was untied
He crashed headlong into a truck
A solder marched out to the field
Behind some sandbags he kneeled
As he tried to take aim
In his side he felt pain
For sandbags don't make a good shield
There once was a fat man named Tape
He wanted to get into shape
He thought eating right
Would make him be light
But in haste he choked on a grape
A blind man was crossing the street
Kind people he wanted to meet
He tripped on his cane
And slipped in the rain
Then was trampled by dozens of feet
A man atop the torch did stand
Held by Lady Liberty's hand
He looked down in awe
Getting closer he saw
The rocks where he'd painfully land
A skater was doing quite well
The crowd then started to yell
But while doing a trick
A faceplant did stick
He shattered his neck when he fell
A nearsighted man drove his car
But failed to take note of the bar
Along came the train
He died with no pain
Then his corpse was thrown very far
There once was a man dressed in black
His victims he stretched on a rack
With their every breath
Right up 'til their death
They begged him to give them some slack
There once was a man named Dunn
He drove in the desert for fun
When his battery died
He too soon was fried
And collapsed in the Mexican sun
There once was a man named Steve
He was everyone's pet peeve
He pushed them to far
And was crushed by a car
All because he wouldn't leave
There once was a man named Bob
At his funeral people did sob
When he fell in a hole
Got impaled by a pole
And now he is human kebab
There once was a brave man named Joe
In a barrel he went with the flow
But the barrel had flaws
As he went down the Falls
He was split on the rocks down below
A man once looked 'neath a car's hood
And what he found next was not good
He got blown to crap
And now there's some scrap
On the ground where he had just stood
There once was a man named Sam
In the Amazon he went and swam
When he swam in the heat
The fish though him meat
He was eaten so quick like a ham
A guard in the village of Bree
Stood by the gate nine to three
A mounted wraith came
He was crushed; it’s a shame
For said guard was unable to flee
A sniper laid in waiting
The enemy he was baiting
But spotted was he
By a grunt in a tree
Now his life is rapidly fading
There once was a player named Pete
While running he tripped on his feet
When he hit the ground
With a terrible sound
He got sliced open by his cleat
There once was a dumb man named Lee
He got in a street fight you see
He was hit by a bar
And now has a scar
On his neck where his head used to be
There once was a boat with a sail
It was caught in a terrible gale
Down fell a man
His name was still Stan
But he was no longer a male
A tamer stood in the lion's cage
Attempting to tame the beast's rage
The creature awoke
The chair quickly broke
And the man stopped increasing in age
There once was a man from Dewayne
A terminal sickness he feigned
Did what the doc said
But OD'd his med
And died with a great deal of pain
There once was a crack head named Gore
He worked in a high-rise till four
He had just gotten high
And ran to the sky
And fell from the thirty-first floor
There once was a man named vanVleet
He slept by the road in the heat
Along came a wheel
And rolled o'er his heel
And was left with two broken feet
A man tried to sleep in his Jeep
He resorted to counting sheep
His roof caved in
Trapping him in
And then he yelled, "Son of a 'beep'"
There once was a man named Luke
With his father too he did duke
With the Emperor dead
I saw Vader's head
At the sight of which I did just puke
There once was a man named Sydney
He was missing his right kidney
His left took a jolt
From a lightning bolt
He didn't last long, did he?
There once was a woman who was sad
She decided to do something bad
She curled he toes
And pulled off her nose
Then she got really mad
There once was an agent named Jack
Now from the fourth season is back
And saving the world
From attacks that are hurled
I truly know he has the knack